Thinking Faulkner...

Well, that makes me sound much smarter than I am.  I'm actually thinking of one silly little quote of Faulkner's which is really pretty prosaic compared to some of his more greater poetics.  "Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or your predecessors.  Try to be better than yourself."  Okay.  Not a bad push, right?  And there's nothing wrong with stopping the messy gazes at those who are so easy to elevate.  But damn it all if being better than yourself doesn't introduce immediate conflict with your very achievements.

For example, yay for me because I recently submitted my first screenplay to a contest.  That was nice.  I'd like to do it again.  But let's say that my first effort produces results akin to a ceremonial dump in the trash.  I expect no less, honestly.  Does that mean that I have to curb my expectations the next time around to believe that my effort may actually get read and appreciated by one person?  Or does that mean that I have to aspire to win?

Or, maybe, if I'm trying to be better than myself, I should try to try to take out the trash, so to speak, and stop believing that the rubbish bin is the appropriate storage facility for my work.

Well.  Now, that's an entirely new read on it.  I know a woman who can talk about herself until I'm nauseous.  I asked her one time to be quiet so I could finish my trivial contribution to the conversation, which was totally unnecessary but the only way to stifle the shuddering clamminess rising from the pit of my tummy as she continued to claw away at the parameters of dialogue.  Instead of deferring, she became offended and suggested that I should listen more carefully and then she started in on a story about the importance of her perspectives.  Yes.  I surrendered at that point and haven't spoken with her since.  I suspect that I may have offended her but at least I don't have to worry about tasting vomit in my mouth at events that are supposed to be fun and sweet.

The reason I bring this up is this: as I think about becoming better than myself, I think of this woman.  I have the suspicion that she wakes up every morning knowing that she's better than everyone else and interested in enforcing that reality.  Frankly, I don't like competition all that much, so the idea of being better than anyone, let alone myself, makes me feel that same nausea.  Well.  The heart does grow strong in conflict, doesn't it?  And the stories of these conflicts are usually the most worthwhile out there.  And, this, I suppose, is the reason that being better than oneself is a decent path to pursue.  I think that I prefer to pursue it quietly.  Despite that instinct, I'll still publish this post.  Why the hell not?